2008 ©warren鳥(bird)
@tuuuuuuuna
(2024) INTERNALENGINE since 2025
blog
//welcome to my blog!
here i will right about whatever happens during my day,
write about my thoughts, feelings, anxieties, if
something noteworthy happened... i've been meaning to
buy a diary for ages but need to save my money for
(other stuff) so maybe i'll just write blogs here.
(blog inspiration from dogspit. )
september
(29/09/2025) thoughts- freddy carrasco, my future, jobs and cube 2 hypercube
Okay, so first of all,,, ummmm forgot to update my site award. Ive honestly just been forgetting to use my laptop at all. i would be updating my blog during free periods in class but nekoweb is blocked. whateva. anyways, i was sitting on the floor having a conversation with the many different trains of thought & personality in my mind (is that an adhd thing? please dont tell me thats an adhd thing ive seriously got too many diagnoses rn) and then i was like, why am i talking to me and my bbc sherlock mind palace imaginary friends when i can BLOG on my PERSONAL WEBSITE. so here. im blogging. less serious than a substack or a blogspot.for context, my art college has been focusing a lot on JOBS. and careers. and breaking into the industry and being hired and what will you do when you graduate uni in 5 years? and im like wow! the art industry is sort of seedy! i was telling my mum, "i feel like the art industry has a sort of underbelly to it, something i cant even name with words, just recognize with emotion," and she replied, "all industries have underbellies." not even just fine art stuff; galleries, paintings, shit in the thousands of dollars and pounds, even the small scale stuff, graphic design, marketing, advertising. graphic design- visual communications, was described to me as "using visual language to communicate an intended idea" but to me, is that not propaganda? i don't know, a university alumni came to my college and said how she worked for newspapers and advertising and etc when she graduated and i thought, fuck, if my life was just churning out ads for a company i am personally against or making graphics for a newspaper im politically against- i know i cant be so naive to expect everything financially for my future will come from a clean or ethical place, every business must be tained out there, whether its entertainment or product or whatever, but still. i want to tell a story with my art. i want to inspire with my art, i want to be more than just, a dog to be hired for shit i dont believe in? i dont know. i know this is naive. but i dont want to make art i feel spiritually opposes me. (after all, the thing that makes good art great art is human love right? personal passion? so yeah, maybe thats me, i want to make great art im sorry.) anyways, because of all this research into the wide depth of the art industry, whatever that takes form in, ive been pretty disillusioned over what kind of job i want. i always thought concept artist, character designer, but a professor told me most pre-vis or post-preduction artwork, like concept art, art that will have 10s or 100s of variations and iterations, will probably be taken over or i guess, benefit from ai. aughghghghghgh aiiiiiii oh my goddddd i feel like such a bitch complaining about ai art when i want an art job. i feel like old man yells at cloud. if im being honest, artifical intelligence makes me feel very suicidal. like, should i be checking myself into a psych ward type shit- its so demoralizing and upsetting and disgusting, and unavoidable and it can only get worst and its on everybodies minds you know everybody is thinking it, what will happen to ai, how will ai change art, will anything ever be the same, can i have a job, can i do what i love, can i live like this? the answer of course is yes, you can live like this, yes you will be okay, yes things will be fucked up. i try not to think about ai. hopefully i can try my hardest avoiding it, perhaps getting more into tradtional art, street art, sketchbooking, etc. think about jobs that ai cant take over, maybe propmaking and prosthetics in film? i always thought- i dont have the skill for that- but then, yeah id take classes for it. lol. i mean, i dont know, ive been thinking maybe i should think less about training for a career and more training for skills? get a series of skills under my belt, character design, 3d modelling, animation, etc, and then see what i can do from there.
a secret fantasy of mine is to live in japan. i think its a fantasy everybody wants, lol, im very inspired by japanese art, films and games, and think (maybe naively) my art could do well over there, or land a job in a japanese games studio (like kojima productions or ATLUS lol) but idk. im aware all this needs a lot of effort on my part, and i looked into it, its not even easy to get a Japanese visa, and i already have one toe in the door because of my australian citizenship. (maybe i should live in australia lol?) but yeah. i just dont want to live in the UK anymore. its a little, uh, technofascist here at the moment, maybe in a few years i wont be able to update my blog without uploading my national insurance number and a scan of my passport, so im thinking yeah id like to leave as soon as possible. i realise "as soon as possible" is probably "in 10 years." LOLLLLL. anyways, i bring up this artist ive found recently, FREDDY CARRASCO. pretty cool artist, really, does afrofuturism sci-fi stuff, graphic novels, exhibitions, live(d) in Japan and Hong Kong (which are like, my secret fantasy dream countries to live in lol) i look at his stuff and think, my life would be fufilled if i could do that. anyways, i read an article of his where he spoke about being inspired by a tessceract- a fourth dimensional cube- and im like, bro, what??/ youre jacking my shit!!! i love the fourth dimension! i love 4d, i love hypercubes! i love the movie cube 2: hypercube! sequel to cube 1, normalcube! that movie is so fucking cool, maybe not good on any level to any serious cinephile, but to me, worlds worst filmbro, i fucking love it. its weird to think my main artistic inspirations mainly come from movies (and metal gear solid, which to be fair, is more of a movie franchise than a video game franchise) not just animated movies, though i do enjoy those, but live action bullshit. i dont know why im not as drawn to animated films, they feel almost too overwhelmingly beautiful for me, disgustingly large scale, it feels almost nauseating to digest; but ive been trying hard to watch more animation (indie or whatever) since ive enrolled in college. but still, my first love will always be LIVE ACTION!!! alot of them have vfx (preferrably practical) or would be colour graded & set designed to look beyond reality, i appreciate a movie that takes itself to its most absurdist extreme, id say "hyperreality" but apparently that word does not quite mean what i think it means (note to self, read simulacra and simulation) i guess, i like live action film making because it can show me the most realistic depiction of what real like couldnt look like. I can be taken to worlds and my immersion can be kept. i also just like movies because they are easy to watch and ive done enough research about them i feel like i could NEVER run out of a film to see. with books, i feel so out of my depth, like, what am i doing here? who am i supposed to be reading? what if i accidentally read a bad, or problematic book, or waste a bunch of money and time? but with film, i feel like im part of a community. i know whats up and whats down. and most films arent longer than 3 hours, if i watch some dogshit its only like, one afternoon wasted. i probably would have spent that time on twitter instead. anyways, that was my yapping, thinking about my future, my career, what i want to be and what i want to do, and how wierdly im more inspired by movies than animation and videogames, even if i am going to likely end up in an animation or game design related career. i dont really want to study film! or become a film maker! its weird. i dont know why. maybe ill change my mind later down the line.
(05/09/2025) friday
a pretty standard day really. i made a mistake and went home and NAPPED while i was supposed to be having a meeting with my tutor... i was wondering why i couldnt see any of my classmates on the bus and i realised its because i was the only bitch going HOME. my hair needs to be cut sooo bad,, its quite long at the back and making me look pretty clocky. i dont even know if i pass, how the fuck am i supposed to know how other people percieve me? i spoke about my pet snails in class today, everyone seemed pretty interested, but im pretty sure some younger girls from my old all-girls academy were fucking Making Fun Of Me on the bus??? ok. bitch your like 14 and also TWINS and also like 4'11' you got bigger fish to fry than me looking a bit clocky.i installed silksong on my switch today, feeling like fucking mr robot or whatever (authors note, i have never watched mr robot but i had a mutual in 2022 called warren whom i stole the name from who was super into it. he also played alot of skyrim and i really miss him and warren if your reading this i was tiktok user INTERNETGIRL in 2022 you were my favourite mootie on tiktok and i think about you sometimes. sorry for stealing your name.) it took fucking forever to install because i had to update my switch from 0.16 to 0.20, which sounds simple except i have a homebrewed switch and had to update my atmosphere, hecate AND sigpatches, and i kept fucking it up because its been years since ive updated anything and ive forgotten how to do it all. thanks to all the people also trying to install silksong on reddit you really helped me out. ive gotten really into watermelon redbull recently, i buy one every morning and drink it on the bus, the one day i didnt have a redbull i was so fucking tired in class i had to double my dosage of medication just to avoid passing out. im pretty sure this shit is going to destroy my teeth though. im sad its been a while since i updated my site, i miss it truly, ive just been either on my ipad or working on homework. im going to see if i can get this site unblocked at school so i can update during my free periods.
(04/09/2025) thursday -- class is FUN now !!!
yooo this day was so good... i listened to so much neutral milk hotel and class was only 2 lessons long... i found out all my work will be on the computer instead of in a sketchbook which kind of pmo. i like to do stuff in a sketchbook but after playing a while in canva i thought ok this could be fun. unforunately nekoweb is blocked by my school wifi which sucks cus i would love to update my blog during class. maybe i can find some way around it. my homework took me fucking forever but its OK because i HAD FUN and actually ENUJOYED MYSELF !!!!!!!!!!!! we had to research 9 different artists across 4 different art industries, i chose videogames, live-action filmmaking, animation, and comics. i might go back and do some more industries for fun (because i seriously enjoyed myself.)i also spoke to so many friends today . On discord... not in real life im kind ofstruggling to make friends in college ill be real but its ok because i LOVE TALKING TO MY ONLINE FRIENDS!!! the computer is so awesome !!! to be honest school has made it pretty difficult for me to "consume" any "media"- i havent watched. ANY films for 5 days. which is crazy because im always watching films. its the only shit i do all day. my crash poster / magazine / flyer / chirashi arrived from japan!!! i need to scan it and upload it. i also went to the pet store to pick up some cuttlefish bone for my snail, shes completely eaten through her last 2. african land snails eat ALOT more cuttle bone than my old grove & garden snails, make sense considering they are like, 5x the size. Rice (my giant african land snail) has gotten finally big enough she's moved out of her tupperware and into my old fish tank. by next year i'll have to buy her a new tank i think, maybe also a brother or sister?
(03/09/2025) wednesday -- actual first day of (art)
bro... i wont lie... this day was boring as ffuckkckkkk !!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cant even rememember most of it but i was thinking like. If everyday is like this man idk if this school is right for me(02/09/2025) dysphoria & dads birthday
woke up sore as FUCK!!! after probably 5 years of a pretty sad sedentary lifestyle, the induction day of excitement was stressful on my body. i was going to hang out with my friend, see her school (she goes to six form while i go to college, different schools, pretty sad but its the way things are, im glad shes doing her classes) but i had to cancel purely for recovery. i felt pretty dysphoric as well- yesterday in college i realise i did not pass and the humilation... geesx..z.djkfhas..... it got better once i looked at some pictures of myself on my phone and thought. i dotn like that bad. kind of underdeveloped but its ok. i think being around cis men has made me realise how bad my dysphoria is--- sometimes i even wonder if im trans because most of the time i feel pretty "normal" but it turns out its sort of hard to feel jealous of men when all you do all day is speak to faceless queer people over the internet. when i interact with the real world, things feel very different.it was my dads birthday... i made him a cake and bought him a terry's chocolate orange. we don't have too mcuh cash this year so my dad only got 2 presents- a shirt from redbubble and a scarf. dinner was nice though, i drank a(lmost) a whole bottle of wine so i feel pretty out of it. i realised i love being drunk though.. sober me is so winded up, afraid!!! ah.. feels nice to relax. i know this is dangerous in the long run but its an unfortunate truth i only sort of feel real when drunk.
(01/09/2025) monday -- college induction
went pretty smoothly.. played roblox with some people at lunch... im so tired i can barely write at all.... ive spent most my time not on my laptop so ive neglected this site a little.... i have a few articles drafted out i would like to bulk out. im thinking my art coursework this year will be based on my recent obsessions of internal combustion & japanese cyberpunk... more on that later though- i havent done enough research to speak confidently. anyways!!! i cant believe it went so well...august
(21/08/2025) gcse results + college enrollment
today was results/enrollment day... i was so freaking anxious last night i got 2 hours of sleep.. but i watched this awesome french new-wave film called "my american uncle" (Mon oncle d'Amérique.) i really enjoyed and think i might rewatch it with my mum. i spent 20 minutes in a discord call watching 12 angry men but had to leave early. anyways, the actual day was pretty complicated, felt like an emotional rollercoaster. my gcse results went alot better than i expected, 44 in science and 5 in english lan and maths, (i only did 4 gcses due to chronic illness.) i then went to my college to enroll and it went well till they found out i was autistic- i had to speak to an autism (SEND) support team. the SEND support team asked why i wasn't on any of their lists, i said i didnt know, so they sent me to speak to another woman. this woman, who i think was the head SENCO? im not sure, said that my enrollment application had been blocked because they "couldn't accommodate my needs" which confused me, because i wasn't asking for any "needs" or "special support." sure im autistic, but i want to go to school as normally as possible. they said i wouldn't be able to enroll here, for reasons i still have no idea about. we discussed it for a while (with me getting increasingly overwhelmed and upset) until she called the head of art over to talk to me. we spoke, and she said, "hey, we should be able to enroll you, your art portfolio is strong and your gcses are fine, and your "needs" aren't anything special, we are able to accommodate neurodivergent students." so she put me on the list and i was able to sign up for all the classes i wanted. yay! i do feel, weird? that my autism diagnosis and educational-health-care-plan basically blocked my opportunity- feels almost like discrimination to me. im very lucky and happy that this art teacher was so sweet and really fought for my enrollment. theres not any other schools in the area i could go to, this was the only one in my borough that would suit me, and im so thankful that i can actually go to school. for years now ive been out of school and the lonliness has almost driven me crazy. i just want to start a normal life and be pretty normal. lol. i was going to get pizza with my friend afterwards but we were both so exhausted (enrollment took 3 hours longer than expected, we agreed to meet up at 1 and i left the college at 4) we decided to do it tomorrow. my mum has free pizza express vouchers and i want to get a hot honey pizza and tiramisu. maybe even an appetiser hahaha...i forgot to mention as well, another art teacher, a different one, told me that she could put my preferred name on my id card which is cool. my trans tape arrived in the mail, i havent opened it/ figured out how to use it yet but ill deal with all that in the morning.
(15/08/2025) back from holiday
took a few days on hiatus to go on a little vacation with my mum. we took the train up north to a queer valley town called HEBDEN BRIDGE. we didnt do much except eat food and look at ducks and fishes in the rivers. i appreciated the quiet time and seeing new scenery. im getting pretty bored at home, but soon im starting college which im excited about. i need to buy a bunch of stuff for going back to school though, i am so underprepared... also, its my birthday soon. need to get some presents. i dont know what i want. im feeling a bit overwhelmed.(05/08/2025) Endocrinologist
today me and my mum went to my biannual endocrinologist appt at the childrens hospital. it went pretty standard, except for the end when i asked my doctor if it was possible for me to medically transition with my disorders, she said it was okay, as long as i go through the proper NHS channels. this is what i expected to hear, but going through the NHS for gender identity service sounds like a nightmare. researching for gender identity clinics in my area is so difficult and obtuse, it seems every second website has been taken down or isnt available for minors. truly, trying to find diy hrt has been easier than this. my mum wants to take me to the GP to get me referred, perhaps the doctor there can point me in the right direction. it seems like the waiting list is just too fucking long though. 7 years, the hell? i mean,,, i want to do DIY, i know how i just don't know how to get my parents on board. i know the reality will just be, ignore my parents, do what i want, but i would also really like their support. im not really the rule breaking type.(03/08/2025)
I basically haven't done anything for like a week straight. I slept 18 hours today. I think I'm depressed. Downloaded some movies. Should do some reading and finish up my website.
I tried to finally buy some testosterone after planning to for months, i finally got the money, but it turns out the site i wanted to buy from doesnt take wise payments (like it said it did) but takes bitcoin/zelle/venmo instead. we dont have venmo or zelle or whatever the fuck in the UK so bitcoin is my only option. I really don't want to buy any, seems like a huge hastle and i'm not the biggest fan of crypto. All the crypto processing apps(?) ive looked at all need ID. Me being 16, lol, ID is out of the question. Basically im fucked unless i ask someone for help. I dont want to ask anyone for help though... I find talking to people IRL about this so difficult. I feel like im constantly humiliating myself.
july
(30/07/2025)
Today has been anotherrrr slow day. What did i even do today? I probably won't write blog entries for boring days like these.(29/09/2025) Bookstore
Today me and my mum
went out to the artsy bookstore, and i bought a
copy of "House of Psychotic Women," a book i've
been looking for for years. They did a 2024
reprint so i can finally buy a copy. Afterwards
we went on an impromptu trip to the nearby farm.
I hung out with some goats and piglets. I saw
some
polish chickens,
which i've never seen before, and i was sooo
suprised to find out they were regular ol'
chickens, i thought it would've been some weird
rare bird, more like a peacock, but nah, he's
just polish. Lol.
inspired by my new book,
i watched
MS.45.
it's an exploitation film about a mute woman
extracting revenge upon her brutalizers- and the
cinematography is just so, so beautiful. i
thought it would be bad, or at least boring, but
it blew me out of the water with how just how
BEAUTIFUL!! the IMAGES!!! are. there's no better
feeling than watching a good movie... lol...
i'd write more about MS.45
but i'm planning to write a full on article
about it, i already have a draft completed.
food diary
//food diary--
here i will write notes about whatever interesting food
i ate. not a log of everything i'd eaten, just the
highlights.
september
- (01/09/2025) canteen pizza
- (02/09/2025) peking duck
august
- (01/08/2025) bolognese
- (05/08/2025) pizza
- (08/08/2025) buldak cheese ramen
- (09/08/2025) buldak kimchi ramen
- (12/08/2025) hot honey/pepperoni pizza
- (13/08/2025) tuna melt panini // greek platter
- (14/08/2025) burrata/walnut salad
- (15/08/2025) tuna melt panini
- (16/08/2025) miso soup
- (17/08/2025) chicken ramen
july
- (29/07/2025) pizza
- (30/07/2025) scones // chicken wings
- (31/07/2025) egg salad // redbull
